Thursday, April 19, 2012

Seasons and A Difficult Decision...

Yesterday I made a tough decision, one that I had been contemplating, praying about, and agonizing over for more than a little while; and while I am aware that my decision has little or no effect on each of you, sometimes it is nice to hear that everyone goes through "stuff " and has a road to travel. 

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Next month will be thirteen years since I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure.  At the time of the diagnosis, I was five months pregnant with our fourth child, and first girl.  Needless to say, the diagnosis was shocking and devastating.  However, that particular part of the journey is a different story, for a different time.  The long and short of it is that God brought us through the situation and has stayed faithful and present these thirteen years.  My heart has much improved since that original diagnosis and I have learned to live with some of the occasional setbacks and minor irritations that are a part of the package.  In my opinion, the inconveniences are mild in comparison to how things could have turned out and I am continuously grateful for this gift called life.


That being said. 
I'm not sure if my passion for living life is entirely related to what felt like a certain brush with death, or if it is merely a part of my personality.
Or both.
More than likely it is both.
Whatever the reason, it is my belief that life is a one time gift with a no return policy, and wasting it is not an option I am interested in.  In light of this, I have spent many years learning new things and trying on various hats of trade & adventure.
From nail technician, to cowgirl.


Nursing student to teacher.


Writer.
Chef.

I have tried them all on.
And enjoyed each of them immensely.
And briefly.
However, this most recent adventure has really caused me to stop and consider my ways.

Back to my difficult decision.
Yesterday I resigned my position as assistant teacher to some of the most amazing kindergartners in the entire world.
This made me sad.
And while I will still go in twice a week to help out for the remainder of this school year, it was difficult to step down as a full-time employee.
Mostly difficult because I hate letting people down and I feel like I do that far too often, but also difficult because I will miss the early morning faces that greet me with sleepy eyes, sweet smiles, and one million and five questions. 
One million and five may be an underestimate, but it's a pretty close guess.

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However, as difficult as it was, it was absolutely crucial for me to accept that my heart is requesting a little more rest for the time being, and while chasing kindergartners all day is definitely an adventure, it is hardly considered a prescription for rest.

My point being this.
And aren't you glad there is a point??
Finally.

Each of us has been given the gift of life.
It has many unlimited possibilities, but equally as many limits.  
Learning the difference between the two, as well as a way to balance them, is crucial to experiencing the most joy when using this gift.
In addition, it is vitally important that we be true to who we are and the season we are in.  There are no other options for us anyway.
All other identities have been taken.
Leaving self as the only option.
And all other seasons are either past, or yet to be experienced.
Present is the current and only season of choice.

So I am learning to get to know myself.
Turns out I am the person I spend all of my time with, require the most out of, and give the least to.
This makes me sad.
So from now on I am going to focus on being who I am, as well as the best way to completely and thoroughly live in my present season.
This means that I must learn to take on only what I can handle.
Not what someone else can handle.
Not what someone else thinks I can handle.
And not what I think I should be able to handle.
But, only what I can truly handle.

And now for a few questions that I've been wanting to ask you...
Are you struggling with accepting who you are?
Do you find yourself ignoring your own uniqueness while magnifying the greatness of others?
Are you consistently dissatisfied with your current season of life?

Or am I the only one who struggles?

I actually have more to say on this topic, but I think I will save it for tomorrow.
Let's chew on this for a while, shall we?
And any and all thoughts are welcome....
Comment below or feel free to email me at cn.beautifullife@gmail.com

Thank you for listening.

3 comments:

Piperville said...

First off..Good for you! It takes a special person to realize their limits and accept them!! I can't speak for everyone but I know that I am always struggling to accept who I am!! I like me..I really do, but, I like me to be thinner, tanner, better hair...well you get the idea. I think you are amazing!! You have the biggest heart (even if it does have a few problems)!! We are all lucky to have you!! So that means take care of yourself and you just be the best Christa you can be!!!

Allie said...

I know Ady will surely miss having you in class everyday! Thank you for all you have done for our sweet kiddos!

His Girl said...

What's a defect in a heart like the one God blessed you with? I don't know anyone whose heart loves more than the the one beating in your chest. I'm always proud of all your accomplishments. When you want something, you go for it. Your smile, your laughter, your words, touch hurting people. God couldn't ask for more from one girl with a big heart! And neither could your mama. :) u Love you!