Sunday, July 1, 2012

A New Leaf...

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It isn't that I don't enjoy blogging.
Or writing for that matter.
Most of the time I thoroughly enjoy both blogging and writing. Words tend to flow out of me with very little effort or consideration.
Perhaps we take for granted that which does not challenge us?
I'll do it another day.
Tomorrow maybe.
When something interesting happens.
Surely by the end of the week.
Life can't seriously be so dull that nothing interesting will happen to me over the course of the next four to five days...right?
I'll blog when it does.

However, I think that there is more to my writing dilemma.  More than a lack of interesting events, quirky stories, and odd mishaps.  More than a desire to be challenged beyond a few paragraphs of "so this is what happened to me today..."
And it is the "more" that I am ashamed of.
At the very core, I believe it is pride.
And, mind you, I am being very careful to say this sitting down.
I'm fully aware that "pride goeth before a fall".
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A fall would not be good today.
Or tomorrow.
Or any time over the next four to five days for that matter.
No matter how quirky and interesting the story may be.

At any rate, let's get back to the issue of my pride while I'm still sitting down.
At first, I doubted that it was pride at all.
As a matter of fact, it didn't even cross my mind.
My theory was simple.
Blogs are taking over the web. Every pretty young thing and her perfect life has a blog. A bright-colored, sun & daisies portrayal of how her life is all she ever hoped it would be and all I would never attain.
Why would I, and how on earth could I ever compete with that??
I am a stay-at-home mom of 20 plus years with very little in the way of an exciting life.
I am not at the beginning of my marriage journey, child raising journey, or new and exciting career journey.

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I do laundry and dishes, mop floors, cook, bake way too much, and work part time with a friend.
I've tried college and I have several hobbies.
Some of which are still favorites, but most of them are collecting dust.
I struggle with some pretty frustrating health concerns and weight issues as a result thereof..
I often battle depression.
Always have.
Always will?
I don't know.

But we should get back to why it occurred to me that pride is the reason I have been a sporadic blogger at best.
I could spin another paragraph of reasons, ideas, and adjectives, but I will spare you.
The bottom line is that I have never wanted to do something that everyone else was doing.  Instead, I always wanted to do the one thing that very few others were doing so that I could be the trail blazer, the leader...
Important.
So when I began to see how many other people were conquering blogging territory, I became intimidated.
Their awesomeness overwhelmed me and their accomplishments discouraged me.
I wasn't a trail blazer??
I was a follower!
I quit writing.

But I am reminded.
As a believer in the One and Only true and ah-MAY-zing God, I live by a unique standard.
It's pretty cool actually.
1 Corinthians 10:31.
Everything I do, I do for Him.
Why?
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Why do everything for Him?
Because a life lived in relationship with Him is pretty much awesome.
Being loved by Him is amazing.
And life changing.
His love for me defines who I am.
Because no one has ever loved me like this.
Completely and irrevocably unconditionally.
And no one ever will.
Just Him.
It is amazing to be defined by this because it frees me from wondering who I am.
Who am I?
Trail blazer? Artist? Chef? Mom? Wife?
Who?
I am... loved by the Creator. The King of Kings.
I am... His kid.
And the Bible says that He loves me so much that He even dances over me.
Whoa.
I don't need any other definition.
He is for me.
Nothing else matters.
Now to just live. Be the me He created!

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And so where does this leave me and my blogging?
Not to mention my pride.
It really just means that I've realized something.
I would never stop living just because others are doing it.
As a matter of  fact, now that  I write it, I can hardly believe how ridiculous it sounds.
I think it is just that each of us wants to feel loved.
Am I right?
And the lengths we will go to...
Oh my.
The relationships we endure.
The countless unnecessary sacrifices.
The posturing.
The facebook statuses that show our best side. And our best profile.
Please love me?? Accept me?? "Like" me??
Don't we all cry it out?

Mark 12:31.
Love your neighbor.
Please love your neighbor.
If you need love.
So does your neighbor.


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But...I am rambling.
I really just intended to drop in and say
hi...
Sorry I haven't posted in a while...
Turning over a new leaf...
I commit to at least three times a week, so forth and so on.

But this came out instead.
If you stuck with me, I really do appreciate it!

And I plan to be back again soon.
Did I mention a new leaf?
I'm turning over one...

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1 comment:

Kim Dillingham said...

This was so timely for me to read! I think I may have a "pride" problem too. I have put off blogging for much the same reason. Mine was also for fear of not being good enough or being compared to people and not measuring up. Recently I was asked to be a blogger for a ministry website to women, but said, "probably not going to." Then was approached again and said yes. I had been feeling that I was supposed to be doing something like that. I still don't know if I will be any good at it or if people will like it, but it doesn't matter. As long as my God loves and accepts me, I can be me and I do it for Him anyway! Thanks for sharing! It has given me the courage to move forward.