It's about to get all real up in here....

Last night I wrote a blog post at 2 a.m.
I guess that technically that wasn't even last night, was it?
It was early this morning and it was way past my bedtime, and I had planned to post it first thing this morning.
However, once I had finally greeted the day and had my coffee, other thoughts came to mind.

For example, this morning two of my favorite bloggers blogged about thought provoking issues that have been on my heart for a while now.
Being the change you want to see.
And allowing God's grace to heal you in times of pain.
Both of these posts were exactly what I needed to hear.

So, here's the thing....
Today I had a very special appointment with a very special school assignment that I had been looking forward to for quite some time. I love learning and being surrounded by a learning environment almost as much as every other wonderful thing that I love and can't live without.
Like my husband's homemade burgers.
They make people happy about life and cheese and extra pickles.
I digress.

The "point of the post" centers around the fact that I woke up this morning with little to no energy and was unable to attend my very special school assignment appointment. The one that promised to make my entire day and send me into a learning high/endorphin rush.

Something you should know, and I've mentioned it before in passing...
Thirteen years ago I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure.
I was half-way through my fourth pregnancy and the doctors felt that I may not live long enough to deliver.
Long, big, scary story made somewhat shorter...
I made it. But you figured that out on your own now, didn't you? I surround myself with people like that.
And my daughter made it too, by the way.
Basically, my condition worsened and three weeks before the due date we had to induce, but she was fine.
And still is, praise God.
She's one of the most beautiful things in my life.

The first couple years were rough. My heart was very, very sick and very, very tired, and adjusting to the medications was a long, uphill climb.
At least that is what it felt like.
There were days that walking more than three or four steps at a time wore me out.

However, it wasn't long before I began to improve and to God be the glory because His healing power, peace, grace, and powerful Word of Life brought me through a very dark time. Medical science felt certain I was on my way out and at times, so did I.

And here we are today, she is thirteen beautiful years old and I am...older than that.

Anyway, my age is not the point except to say that I am far too young to struggle with heart disease and the complications that arise, and hardly a day goes by that I don't consider this.
Especially as of late.
Two years ago I had to have a pretty major, non-heart related surgery and ever since then I haven't felt the same.
Where I used to ride my horse several times a week, keep my housework caught up, cook almost every night, attend school full-time, work part-time, home school my four kids, and weigh about 30 pounds less.....
now I don't.
As a matter of fact, more days than not have been difficult as of late, and every time the doctor has checked my heart function, it has been lower than we had hoped.
Stupid heart disease.
No wonder Jesus spent so much time on earth healing the sick.

Sickness robs from one's quality of life and has the tendency to start a giant snowball effect that seems almost impossible to stop.
Need to exercise? Trying to fight the weight gain, muscle pain, and depression that comes from being under the weather for the past two years?
Sounds good in theory.
Doesn't work out so well when a two mile walk on Monday wears you out for the next four days.
Feel like a new hobby or a part part-time job would help relieve some of the doldrums that come from feeling lazy and alone?
Gooooood plan.
Until it leaves you tired beyond words, resulting in afternoon naps, which leads to a week or two of sleepless nights.
Basically, one thing leads to another which kicks off another thing and results in something else.
Before you know it, the majority of your life is defined and controlled by how you feel or don't feel on a daily basis.
And little by little, your quality of life is changing. Your perspective is different. Your outlook is dark.
Hope seems like something far off and only available to others.

But God.
That is all I have or need to say to all of this...

"But God will redeem my life from the grave..."
"But God is the strength of my heart..."
"But God raised him from the dead..."
"But with God all things are possible"

Today I am tired.
Today I am resting.
Today I am feeling down because sometimes I wonder if it will ever get better.
I do wonder that.
Even though I'm not supposed to.
Even though it smacks of despair.
Even though some would say I should never admit it.
If I don't tell you where I am, how will you recognize the amazing power of God when He redeems me?
And He will.
Because my Redeemer is who He is and what He does.
He can't help Himself.
To ask Him to stop loving and redeeming, would be to ask Him to stop living and He won't do that.

Because He specializes in the crippled, the broken, the hurting, the depressed, the exhausted, the frustrated, the weary....the everything I have felt for the past two years.
He has delivered me before.
He will do it again.

Thank you for listening today.
I try to be real on here.
And today I just needed to be really, really real, 'cha know?


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